British newspaper hallucinates about Latvian penis

The use of a question as a headline is usually an indicator that the writer lacks the courage of their conviction, and that appears to be the case in a report in the UK press about the possible presence of a phantom penis on stage during Latvia's Eurovision song contest rehearsal.

With a mindset more suggestive of Erosvision than Eurovision, the Metro daily, and more specifically bylined writer Benny Royston asks the question literally no-one else would have thought of asking, and even if they had, would probably think of it as a cause to seek urgent Freudian analysis:

"Did Latvia just use a penis in their Eurovision Song Contest rehearsal?"

We shall skip over the use of the singular 'Latvia' as a collective noun and concentrate on answering this Metro sexual question.

The answer is "No". Hard though it might be to take, there was no Johnson on stage.

Though the band in question, Triana Park, does feature several members, none of them are reproductive organs. Not even the keyboard player.

However, it cannot be denied that the human mind is predisposed to form familiar pictures out of even the most arbitrary collisions of shapes and lines.

What is remarkable in this case history is that the reproductive organ was not only noticed, but that it was then examined in microscopic detail, quite possibly for hours, and yet still no conclusive answer could be provided to the baffling conundrum: "Did Latvia just use a penis in their Eurovision Song Contest rehearsal?"

Temporarily shaking off thoughts of male genitalia for a few moments, the Metro piece then does a fair analysis of Triana Park's song and chances in the Eurovision finals in Kyiv next week, albeit while exhibiting monomaniac repressive tendencies by inserting a few schlong-related puns along the way.

But then, falling prey again to the irresistible nature of the sexual urge that has enabled mankind's spread across the globe from unpromising prehistoric fumblings in Africa to the orgasmic achievements of modern technology which will soon see him thrusting into the cosmos to colonize other worlds, Metro returns to its phallocentric philosophizing by posing another question:

"So, was it a penis?"

More than 100 people have attempted to answer this question. If the poll results can be believed, at the time of writing nearly two thirds of Metro's readership admitted seeing dong.

Meanwhile, Brexit negotiations continue.

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