I am of course referring to quiche. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to the very pit of my stomach.
Some people claim quiche has always been in Latvia, but it hasn’t. It’s not mentioned once in the Chronicle of Henry of Livonia nor in the Gluck Bible. Lacplesis eats or battles no quiche. And Rainis said many wise things, none of them about quiche.
This is what the Bible has to say about eggs: ‘As one gathers eggs that have been forsaken, so I have gathered all the earth’ (Isaiah 10:14). That speaks for itself.
There is no Latvian word for quiche. Put it into Google Translate if you don’t believe me. It gives the Latvian word for quiche as ‘quiche’! Was there ever a less Latvian word? On noticeboards in Riga’s French cafes, the purveyors of this eggy filth, they generally write something like ‘kišs’. Has no-one informed the State Language Center?
Quiche is an abomination, completely contrary to the traditional culinary uses of an egg. Boiled, poached, fried and scrambled eggs are all perfectly normal and played no small part in creating the unified and harmonious society we possess today. Do we really want to risk Armageddon for the sake of some shortcrust pastry and fillings ranging from broccoli to ham and cheese to… prawns?
It goes without saying that raw eggs are masculine, which is why boxers drink them from beer glasses, perhaps with a dash of Worcester Sauce. Egg nog is permitted on festive occasions only. Omlettes and meringues are just about acceptable, though somewhat suspicious. But we must draw the line at quiche.
Everywhere we look these days, we are bombarded by Western propaganda telling us that it is alright to eat quiche. Indeed, not just that it is alright, but that it is positively to be encouraged as part of a so-called ‘healthy lifestyle’.
They have no shame, these quiche-munchers. Later this year we will have to witness an orgy of public quiche guzzling at the Riga Food Festival. I shudder at the thought of the exotic herbs and spices that will be involved in their preparation and the way this country will be portrayed as quiche-friendly with dozens of quiche-aholics flying in for two days of no-holds-barred hot egg action.
If you want to eat quiche, go to Paris or Berlin. Probably they have special clubs for people like you. But don’t bring any cold slices back with you. Estonia recently passed legislation giving full legal status to ‘baked flans or tarts with a savory filling thickened with eggs’ from 2016. Let’s not follow their example.
They even want to take away our children’s high-caffeine energy drinks and Narvesen City Dogs and force them to eat quiche, telling them this is normal oven-baked political correctness. How dare these Eurocratic do-gooders try to make us overcome our natural revulsion to quiche? I’m as liberal as the next man but let’s ban quiche for our children’s sake.
If I ever catch any members of my family eating quiche, I will never speak to them again. That is the traditional way.
Are we to sacrifice our noble rasols on the altar of this Frenchified flan? Must Eggs Benedict be made a martyr? Naturally, I will give the final word to the Good Book. In fact it turns out that Isaiah was quite the eggy expert and in this verse, I feel he sums things up nicely:
‘They hatch adders' eggs; they weave the spider's web; he who eats their eggs dies, and from one that is crushed a viper is hatched.’ (Isaiah 59:5)