Viewpoint: Nice thing? Or NASTY thing?

Take note – story published 6 years ago

I don't know about you, but I was outraged to see that in what the Latvians insist on calling Latvia, a nice thing has been erected that looks a lot like a nasty thing if you use your powerful imagination.

The thing in question is supposedly a "snowflake", or to give it the unofficial Latvian spelling they don't want you to know about, a SSnowflake! 

As a highly-trained and award winning journalist for RT, (formerly Russia Today, formerly What Oligarch?, formerly Siloviki Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition) I find I notice a lot of things other people miss. Mainly, I notice Nazis.

I first noticed I possessed this ability when I visited a gypsy fortune teller called Madame Zelda. She turned over her teacup and placed it forcefully onto the saucer to look at the tea leaves hidden inside.

"Oh dear, she said. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!"

"What is it?" I barked.

"I see a long career ahead of you in the media," Madame Zelda moaned.

"Great, I always wanted to be a journalist!" I said.

"This is not journalism. It's... Russia Today. I'm so sorry." she said.

Something was wrong. I grabbed the cup and revealed the saucer. There, formed by tea leaves was... A NEAR PERFECT SWASTIKA!

Ever since then, I have been seeing Nazi stuff all over the place. 

I'm not saying whoever put up this ornamental glittering snowflake and the millions like it undoubtedly being produced in Latvia to be handed to CHILDREN is a Nazi. But I am definitely hinting it in the strongest possible terms.

It's all very well for western-backed media channels such as Latvian state-sponsored puppet poodle LSM to say, as they surely will at the behest of their NATO overlords, that the crypto-Kris-Kringle cipher is some ancient Latvian symbol of peace and plenty.

It's only to be expected that they will bleat impotently that you need to remove more than 50 percent of the geometry of the snowflake in order to obtain a satisfactory swastika, and that the Nazis rarely installed their swastikas with fairy lights or piped Bing Crosby to the serried ranks at the Nuremberg rally.

It is only to be expected that they will cast aspersions as to the mental state of the literally thousands of anonymous, shocked onlookers I definitely interviewed on the streets of Riga, who saw this scandalous evidence of the resurgence of evil geometric folk designs based on the principle of rotation around a central axis. 

It is quite natural that I should employ this cumbersome rhetorical device of repeating myself at the beginning of a paragraph three times like Dmitry Kiselyov to make my point! Only now I have done it four times, which means I am 25% better than him. 

If working at RT has taught me anything it is this: the facts can't get in the way of the truth!

This is purebred Aryan-endorsed crystallized fascist wintry precipitation of the worst sort. It is quite literally a personal insult to anyone who has ever cleaned a drive of Hitlerian hail (or should that be Heil?) or mushy Mussolini melt. I say literally because I mean it. It is literally an insult, as if a Latvian had walked up to you and said: "You are a raving lunatic, you need help." But saying "as if" is not literal, it is a metaphor. Or is it a simile?

Don't confuse me, fascists!

This is a wake up call to all right-thinking people who have taken the bold step of not bothering to cancel their free RT subscription and left it playing all night as they drifted off after the second bottle of Stolichnaya vodka, which is definitely not made in Latvia whatever the capitalist imperialist lapdog media claims. Wake up! Get out of bed! Really! No, genuinely, get out of bed, it is nearly lunchtime.

This is only the first in a new reportage series I will be helming called 'Nice Things That Look A Lot Like NASTY Things If You Add Or Take Away Some Bits', presented exclusively here on the world's only credible media downpipe.

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