Swiss tourist declares love of police van in whirlwind romance

Take note – story published 7 years ago

Hot on the heels of The Case Of The Trouserless Dutchman, indefatigable Riga municipal cops found themselves Thursday investigating another curious crime - The Case Of The Stoned Swiss. 

Police were called to a location in Riga's Old Town at night after reports that a tourist was making a nuisance of himself.

Little could they have expected that they were about to be drawn into a steamy melodrama of passion and sexual desire.

Arriving at the scene in their familiar police van, officers quickly identified the individual in question who was behaving erratically. Speaking broken English, he explained he had arrived from Switzerland that morning but was now so completely stoned he couldn't remember his hotel room number, nor indeed his hotel.

Sensing a cooling-off period at the local cop-shop might be in order, officers prepared to transport the individual, whereupon this Alpine Lothario declared his love for the unprepossessing police van and attempted to consummate the relationship on the spot.

His display of extreme carnal abandon directed at the humble transportation vehicle was a stark contrast to the reluctance most people exhibit when given the chance of a ride.

It was like a chapter from JG Ballard's seminal work of automotive intercourse, Crash, made all-too-real flesh.

Taking this act as fairly stong evidence that the Helvetican gentleman's mental state was somewhat cuckoo clock, the police called an ambulance and the lovelorn couple were separated before any formal betrothal process could be commenced.

Once returned to the clear-headed rationality for which the Swiss are rightly renowned, the lustful visitor faces a hefty fine.

But love has no price. 

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