Rail Baltica stations previewed in gushing video

A video has been released showcasing the planned stations to be built as part of the 6-billion-euro Rail Baltica project.

With that neutral statement out of the way, please forgive us if we now lapse into more emotive language, but frankly, we need to let off some steam (pun intended).

While it is interesting to see the architectural designs, it is only fair to warn you that the breathlessly ecstatic voiceover and frequently bizarre English translation may tempt you to physically attack your screen or at least hurl insults in its direction. We strongly urge you to remove firearms, bludgeons, axes and indeed any sharp objects from your immediate vicinity prior to viewing this video.

The tone is set early in the piece with the very first statement: "It is only worth doing things in life that at first seem impossible" being patently untrue. A life lived according to such a credo would be absurd and, more than likely, quite short.

We start our virtual trip in Tallinn where we get some ambiguous statements about what's actually happening on site such as "Currently the construction design works are taking place here," which conjures up a picture of people wandering around in hard hats with paper and pencil, before we are transported to Parnu. There the highlight is a waiting room with 90 seats, which must be best-in-class otherwise such a detail would certainly not be deemed worthy of note.

After "an hour long drive" to Rīga - which suggests passengers will be called upon to drive trains themselves, bringing joy to the hearts of any small boys on board - we arrive at the new Rīga station "which will be located in the place of the current station" and a new bridge will be built "over Daugava" which "will allow pedestrians more convenient mobility options over the river". This is true enough, as there is no pedestrian bridge at the moment, and it will undoubtedly be more convenient than swimming.

Then there's Lithuania, which we won't even bother to describe before our driver declares "What a riiiiiiide!" in an approximate yet inexplicable Faulknerian patois and we are informed that the stations will shape the new appearance of the surrounding cityscape, whatever the tarnation that means.

The next stop is more waffle and the indiscriminate use of the definite articles, before this presentation reaches its apogee with the cameo appearance of a talking electric car charging point whose voice, impossible as it might seem, is even more grating than the main narrator's and provides perhaps the strongest argument yet against the further development of artificial intelligence.

The last few minutes are no more than a vague patchwork of even vaguer promises about maybe, who knows, one day building some more stations that will most probably use colors that also appear on the national flags of the Baltic states. So that's red, white, blue, black, green and yellow in case you were wondering. Exciting colors without a doubt, but ones that most people can probably expect to encounter on an almost daily basis.

"Those were the five episodes of Season One of Discover Rail Baltica" concludes an announcement which contains the implicit threat of Season Two. 

That's it. Nothing to add. More details etc.

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