Viewpoint: Here is the #FAKENEWS!

Take note – story published 7 years ago

I should warn you in advance that what you are about to read constitutes "fake news". Apologies: that should of course read "#FAKENEWS!"

#FAKENEWS big data analysts tell me every time I write #FAKENEWS I pick up about 1,000 clicks. They analyse big data. They are normal size.

This feature falls foul of most of the accepted tests of #FAKENEWS in that:

a) it takes the form of a "some dude thinks something, based on his own value system" opinion piece.
b) appears on a state-sponsored news outlet.
c) will tell you that you are one of the best people around.
d) is free of editorial oversight (at least until my superiors are asked about it by their superiors).
e) is intended to grow my power base ahead of Saeima elections in 2018.

First, it's important we all agree that #FAKENEWS is bad. Sad. Scary. Ungood. Bigly.

Something needs to be done about it. But what? Foreign Minister Edgars Rinkevics asked the United Nations to do something about it. He didn't say what. Maybe they will ban it or commission a report or send some observers to observe #FAKENEWS.

But as quite a few of the United Nations have media based entirely on the principle of generating  #FAKENEWS, that seems unlikely to result in much, unless they report that #FAKENEWS is really real news, which itself would be #FAKENEWS and would require further cosmetic investigation.

You understand all this because you get it. You're smart. That much is obvious. We should get a beer sometime.

Now we turn to the important question of what to call my new political force. It seems de rigueur to include the word "Latvia" in the party name, despite the obvious fact that a party contesting elections in Latvia is unlikely to be Nigerian or Peruvian.

I toyed with 'Grand Old Latvia Party' (GOLP) and 'Laxit', but decided the former sounds too much like a Vaudeville show and the latter has unfortunate suggestions of a medicinal preparation to loosen the bowels.

Has anyone ever told you what beautiful eyes you have? No? That surprises me. You do.

So I've decided upon 'Latvia... First!' as a party name. We already have a party that uses an exclamation mark in its name, and in the past we had a party called 'Latvia's First Party', it is true. But the use of ellipsis is radically innovative and the party's strategy will consist chiefly of me standing next to Latvians such as Martins Dukurs and Andris Nelsons as they win things.

In this way I will establish an unconscious link in your mind between amazing people achieving glory and me standing close to them. Am I standing next to them because they are winners, or are they winning because I am standing next to them?   

Another thing we can all agree on is that we have no problem with #FAKENEWS here in Latvia. Or rather, we wouldn't have a problem if it wasn't for THEM. They love #FAKENEWS. They want more #FAKENEWS. They want to overwhelm you with #FAKENEWS, despite your intelligence and your beautiful eyes which see straight through #FAKENEWS.

Only we can stop them. You and me. Mainly me.

Cats are just crazy, yet adorable with it.

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